Winter Sickness, Confessions from my "Death" Bed + #TarotThursdayThree

Okay, Winter, you win! Seems like my immunology decided to give in in the end, so I'm bound to my bed, trying to recover and use this time as productively as possible. I have to confess though, it doesn't feel like regular tracheitis. There's a series of synchronicities accompanying my sickness, and it's kind of fun to analyze with a foggy mind, so I thought I'd share.

I should probably start by saying that I've been struggling to eliminate nicotine from my life for ages. Since my grandmother died 3 years ago, I quit smoking and replaced cigarettes with an e-cig. Over time, I got down to zero nicotine liquids but gave myself stupid excuses as to why I don't want to do something about the behavioral addiction to the act of smoking/vaping.

Around two weeks ago I lost my e-cig in a series of mysterious coincidence, it literally just dematerialized from my pocket. And trust me, I'm not the kind of person that loses their stuff, ever. After some time, I gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes, then another pack. They're not really tasty, they smell like shit and I have to say I felt ashamed while walking with a cigarette publically. Yeah.

There's this postgrad course in jungian analysis in conjunction with Schultz's autogenic training that I'm taking. During the last meeting we were working with archetypes in the form of pictures or paintings that we had to draw (very much like oracle reading) to help us analyze what it is that's blocking us in our lives right now VS what it is that's elevating or inspiring us. Sure enough, I drew a shadow in the form of cigarettes as the thing that's currently blocking me. I let out a salve of laughter but then the contents of my subconscious in relation to smoking started to emerge. I asked myself: "Why am I still doing this?" and immediately heard the answer: "I don't feel ready just yet."

This felt familiar and is indeed the thing that's usually blocking me the most in general. It's this weird kind of perfectionism that makes me feel like I'm not ready just yet - I can always get better at something, more experienced at something, acquire more knowledge etc. I know this to be untrue. I'm perfectly aware that I'm at my best when I just DO IT, straight from my Heart, without this "forever getting ready" crap. Not to mention how in terms of smoking cigarettes, it makes no sense whatsoever. But that's how our mind works - it spews bullshit until we call on it. Anyway, it made me think. I really opened up and shared with the group about my recent smoking and how it's connected to all these situations when I don't feel ready or adequate. And one of the people shared a story how she struggled to quit smoking until she experienced nicotine poisoning. I can't share any details for the sake of privacy and sticking to the contract but it's relevant enough that I had to mention it.

Fast forward a few days - Thursday. I wake up feeling like shit. My head hurts, I want to vomit, I'm experiencing shivers and my trachea is on fire. I can't lay down because it makes me shiver but sitting or standing up makes me nauseous. I catch a glimpse of the pack of cigarettes on the table nearby and suddenly find myself running to the toilet to vomit. Excuse the graphic description. All the pieces start falling in place and I understand why I got sick. I had to. I call to work to say I'm not going to make it and I fall asleep for the next few hours. This is it, tracheitis. The sickness that smokers usually get for no reason. Except normally it wouldn't have happened after a week of smoking small amounts, especially not in this mutated, strange form that weirdly resembles nicotine poisoning.

I wake up, make myself a cup of chamomile to ease the pain in my throat and launch YT to keep myself awake. Synchronously, the first video I see on my list is about "sacred sickness". I watch it. It makes sense, psychologically, subconsciously, spiritually. I'm an ass. This is not a warning, this is what my whole body is trying to communicate. I'm quitting this shit for good.

Here, after my short and cringy horror story, it's time to light up the mood by answering this week's #TarotThursdayThree questions!

1. If you could design your own tarot deck and have it mass-produced, what theme would it have and what would it look like overall?
I really want to create my own tarot deck one day. It would definitely be Slavic-themed, with a lot of our gods and goddessess in majors and our mythos, moral code and way of life in minors. When it comes to the looks, I'd prefer something minimalistic, in tune with traditional Slavic folk art, embroidery - a lot of whites, reds and blacks for sure. There are currently no Slavic tarot decks available on the market and I'd love to change that one day.

2. How do you feel about the Celtic Cross spread?
Well, I did use it a number of times in my tarot "career". It's not a spread I regularly reach for (no spread is, really) but I find it potentially helpful for certain readings. In general, I always prefer my own spreads over someone else's - they're tailored exactly to my needs and every position is exactly what I want it to be.

3. If you could have any deck in the whole world (that you do not already), which one would you pick and why? 
The Mary-El Tarot. I'm passionate about shadow work and mythology and I feel like this deck is a perfect combination of these two things. Honestly, it's too expensive for me. I find it hard to justify spending almost 200 PLN on a tarot deck, even if it's a dream deck for me. I prefer to buy my decks second-hand, not necessarily because it's cheaper but because I think it's more environment-friendly, not to mention that I just love vintage and used things and antiques in general. There's something magical and special about acquiring a used object. Funnily enough, Mary-El is so far the hardest deck to find second-hand, especially in Central Europe. So I'm patiently waiting for it to make its way into my life somehow.


  1. Oh, what an interesting story about your cigarette smoking. I know many people who have struggled with this addiction, and it sounds like you're "ready" this time. All the best to you, and hope you're feeling better soon (yikes, that sickness sounds terrible!)

    Your Slavic deck sounds wonderful. The best decks, I think, have that personal connection. I love the feel of second hand decks myself, as well.

    Speaking of synchronicities... If you're interesting in a trimmed but lightly used version of the Mary-el, I'll send it to you mine for the cost of shipping. It's a deep and powerful deck, but I never reach to use it. Let me know if you're interested and we can work it out. (Now I know why Ania included this question! Haha!)

  2. Wow, sorry a couple lines got messed up there in the editing process ;) - if you're interested in a trimmed but lightly used version of the Mary-el, I'll send you mine for the cost of shipping. There. Better.

  3. Oh I so relate to your smoking story, just with other aspects and behaviours that are toxic. Fascinating and relevant thank you for sharing!

  4. Powerful story about your journey with smoking (and quitting). It's beautiful, in a way, how these different elements came together to "speak" to you. A Slavic deck sounds intriguing!!

  5. I quit cold turkey in 2012 a package a day smoker. It is true. When you are ready or have reached your level of self inflected abuse, you just stop it. It was really that easy. I never once craved one and to this day I can't even imagine me smoking now. I even say in my daily gratitude prayers that I am sorry I offended so many people including all the furry friends that lived in my abusive home! Anyway you'll get there.
    I have quit many times before and can really related to your story and it was graphic, but there is absolutely nothing pretty about smoking regular smokes or e-cigs. My partner quit the following year after me, but she is now addicted to nicotine gum! So funny she chews the shit out of it. I see her outside from the window and she looks like she's talking to herself haha. Humans are the strangest creatures. @gowithinhealing IG

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, it helped a lot. You're right about reaching one's level of self-inflicted abuse - that's when it detaches on its own. I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time and hope this time this is it, for good. Wishing you and your partner all the best - hope she'll manage to stop "talking to herself" someday too (this comparison made me laugh so hard!).

  6. Such an interesting experience - I smoked for maybe 6 years before I slowly (!) cut down until I figured "Meh do I need that ONE smoke every day? Time to quit".

    I would buy your deck hehe sounds really cool!

    Much love,


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